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Saturday, June 25, 2011

Day 6, mixed feelings

Today was cold and rainy. I woke up with a heavy heart (for an unknown reason) to begin with and the weather weighed on me heavily.

Since we hiked Katahdin on Thursday, my body has been sore and tired. Today I literally felt like laying on the couch and watching movies in succession.

Someone call 911.

I also thought I might perish without coffee today. 

(Allow me to say that I made the decision to go off caffeine for a week.  Emilie and others chose to keep a single, daily cup of coffee. Believing that I did not consume much caffeine, I thought why not go all the way?  I am left wondering the degree to which I actually rely on caffeine to function.)

We moseyed on downtown for the Gay Pride Festival (which has come a long way baby!) and it was wet and chilly and my friend Mindy was carrying a chai in her hand and I was trying to find a loophole in the CFC that would allow me such a luxury.  It was made with soy! It has spices!  But in the end leaving the sugar out would have made it disgusting (and likely impossible) so I drank some water and reminded myself I get to eat nuts!

I also wanted to stop on the way home at every dining establishment and go on an all out bender.  Coconut naan bread from Taste of India! Sweet potato fries and veggie burger from Sea Dog!  A latte at Giacomo's!  A beer from Nocturnum! A bagel from Bagel Central! And why not a massive piece of chocolate cake from Governor's?!

And so you can see how I arrive at the mixed feelings.  No, I was not plagued only by culinary longing this afternoon. I was tailed by something much worse. 

Fear of being set free the day after tomorrow.

For lunch today (happily shared with Mindy and Charissa, willing vegetarians and super conscious eaters): tempeh stir-fry served over tangy basmati rice. 

First dinner with girls: fresh vegetable juice, 1/2 apple with almond butter and steamed edamame in the shell.

Second dinner, awaiting: vegetable soup with lentils, barley and brown rice.

Tomorrow is my nephew's 3rd birthday party and I can honestly say I am relieved to have another day on the CFC so I will not be found returning for a dip in the chip bowl or finishing the girl's pieces of cake.  I can rest assured that I will not come home tomorrow with that sick, regretful feeling that always accompanies overindulgence.

In short, I think I want to stay on the CFC forever (with the addition of coffee) but maybe I could settle on keeping the food that makes me feel less than vital to a minimum.  This week of cleansing has elevated my desire- I've always been aware of food and eating behaviors that make me feel badly, but I think I now have the true wanting to not engage in them. It is the presence I want, not the restriction. It is the pure and healthy feeling I have when I eat this way that I wish to keep, not the stress of rules and the inability to go out to eat.

It is my hope, then, that Monday will find me at ease, taking conscious bites of nourishing food, making choice after choice toward vitality in what and how I eat, rather than locked in the pantry shoving all the chocolate chips I can fit in my mouth and speed dialing Domino's Pizza.


Emilie said...

I love this post, and had so many of the same thoughts today! xo

Willow said...

Oh yes, I had many of the same thoughts as well. I chuckled at your comment about shoveling chocolate chips into your mouth in the pantry. That's totally something I would do (and also something I fear doing when this is over).

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