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Thursday, September 15, 2011

warning: morbitity follows

Sandi and I have been meaning to update our wills for a while.  There were some important things we wanted to change.  Last winter into spring it got tabled because of Sandi's biochem course.  Then summer exploded and it got pushed back again.

At some point I was overwhelmed with the thought that if we died, our wishes would not be known or carried out so I added "update will" to my list of things to do.  Yes, right this red hot minute when my life feels like it is overtaking me.

In gathering the documents for the lawyer and discussing the changes I have become slightly obsessed with the idea of my own death.

There is a section of the will where I can list any personal property I want to give to people (assuming Sandi and I die together which is the only situation that makes me break out in a cold sweat).  I am unable to stop thinking about this.  Should I give Ange AND Mindy my cookbooks since they both like to cook?  But they are both vegetarians and will want the same ones.  What if they fight over them?  Will Emilie want my jewelry or will Trish?  I will give my jewelry to Trish and Emilie can have my running clothes. Or should I save my jewelry for my kids?  Will they want it someday?

Oh dear god, my children.  If we both die who will care about my jewelry and my ipod and the book I've never finished?  What material object could ever be of comfort if their parents are gone?

Driving down the road today, aware of every flash of potential danger that could take me out, I thought how cruel and unfair to have children in a world where parents die.

So clearly I am in need of a little perspective and possibly an intervention. 

Perhaps this will all die down (pun intended) when the will is done and signed and returned to the dark safe.  Perhaps I can stop worrying about Sandi meeting a fateful end on her weekly commute.  Perhaps it is this feeling of being a single parent that has brought this all to the forefront.  Perhaps if I sit down and write the letters I am compelled to write to everyone I love and tuck them into my will to be given out in the event of my death I will feel relieved.  

Or perhaps I need a glass of wine and a night out and I need to remember that Sandi and I are so rarely together the occurance of our mutual death is highly improbable.

Meanwhile, I am going to work VERY hard not to die. 

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