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Thursday, October 6, 2011

trying to keep it light

Maya said to me the other day, "Grownups are like kids except taller.  And they have boobs."

Ella said about Maya, "I don't think she's as funny as everyone else does.  I've heard all her jokes."

Yesterday was Skyler's 7th birthday.   I wasn't with it enough to take pictures, but we did make a special birthday breakfast of chocolate chip pancakes and the girls made festive party hats out of construction paper.  Without incident we managed to get the 2 dozen cupcakes sent from Emilie into the classroom.  Maya did not bolt in front of any cars in the parking lot while my hands held a tray of cake.  Sam brought me a cupcake after school and Ella told me: "When you eat that you will be in HEAV-en.  Emilie makes the BEST cupcakes." Pause. Regret setting in.  "Oh, not that your cupcakes aren't also delicious because they are."

Today is Sandi's birthday and, while we will see her later tonight, it is weird and unsettling to not be with her today.  We have some birthday plans for the weekend which include a cheesecake so it's all good.  But after having her gone for 5 days last week and having to study the majority of the 3 days she was home, we are missing her sorely.  Maya has taken to crying for her many times a day (often when I reprimand her) and, frankly, it sucks.

Despite a major hiccup yesterday when I realized I was in fact sick and I was completely and utterly overwhelmed with my life and its inherent responsibilities, I am starting to find a rhythm.  One new thing this year is that Ella is finally showing signs that she doesn't require as much sleep, leading to our girls having two different bedtimes.  Maya is profoundly exhausted from preschool so putting her to bed early is effortless (in the going to sleep, the getting ready is still exceedingly stressful).  This leaves Ella up for a bit longer and, when I can not feel too taxed by the length of the day, I am really enjoying the time alone with her.  We work mostly on homework, which she has a fair amount of now and practicing reading.  It is fun to watch how quickly she is improving.

It is fair to say that life still feels very disjointed, that while I am happy at least part of every day, I am also overwhelmed and ready to pull my hair out at least once and sometimes a hundred times.  Yesterday, I forgot to take our patio umbrella down in the gusting wind and it broke.   It felt like the cruelest thing, as though someone had run over our pet. 

I'm trying to pace myself and remember that big reactions to ordinary things are probably to be expected. I got the kids summer clothes put away, a couple of closets cleaned, made some yummy food for my family, took some down time, went to work, made time to exercise, finally had the chimney swept and organized all my recipes into binders. 

I have to come to accept that when my life feels out of order I don't stand a chance at calm.

I've also managed not to hurt anyone or harm anything. (Except if you count the flies that have obnoxiously infiltrated my house and whom I aggressively kill with a fly swatter.)

The real question is, how on earth will we survive 26 more months of it?

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