keeping up

I just haven't had it in me to blog lately.   I'm too busy trying to maintain my sanity.

I feel like I have all I can do to manage my life and those of the people under four feet in my house.  I am working VERY hard to create a new normal for myself.  A life where I rush less, breath more and work hard not to scream.  I found myself getting stomach aches every afternoon from clenching my insides and breathing only in my upper register.

To accomplish this, I talk to myself a lot.  As in out loud.  I say things like, "Breathe Suzanne.  You don't have rush now.  Try to enjoy this."  "You don't have to fit it all in at this moment."  "You have time."   And even (gasp): "You can be a few minutes late and the world will go on."

I've also become quite selfish.  I say no to things that I know will make me frantic for time.  I've given up my ultra efficiency in favor of not treating my kids like I am their drill sergeant.  I try to show up early for things and let them move at their own pace instead of by my mantra: "WE ARE LATE!"

I exercise a bunch (thank goodness Maya loves the gym  daycare) and I sit down every night to read or watch reruns of Grey's Anatomy.   I'm even starting to accept help when it is offered.  I've become more realistic about what can be accomplished in a day while still maintaining a state of, if not outright joy, than at least something not as close to misery.  I've taken the pressure off myself to run far, be healed enough to race or even know my running future. 

In short, I am becoming someone other than myself.

Here are some funny things Maya has been saying lately:

Maya, when she was mad at a limit I set with her, "I'm telling Mommy on you."

Maya, contemplating life in the back seat, "I think I'll eat my parents.  No, I guess not."

Maya, eyeing the chili Sandi was eating for lunch, "Do not put that on my psgetti." (spaghetti)

Ella has been saying more poignant things like, "It used to seem like Mommy was gone a lot when she was at work but now that she is gone all the time, that doesn't seem like it was so much."

and:  "I can feel that I am getting bigger."

and: "Why don't we go to Church?"  After I explain that we love the community at church but don't believe all the things that churches believe she replied, "Yeah, I don't have any idea what they are talking about there.  It's like blah, blah, blah.  I just like to go in the playroom."