the ugly (and I guess the good and the bad too)

Life has felt a bit like a rollercoaster lately. There were two deaths in Sandi's family within 6 days of each other, multiple trips to Beals Island and a very sad funeral. Then on the night we were to celebrate Valentine's Day, Mochy began to have a relentless seizure that landed her in the Emergency Vet for the weekend with a through-the-roof sodium level and no real understanding about the etiology of her illness. On the same night, my 20 month-old nephew was rushed by ambulance to the hospital because he stopped breathing from a horrific case of RSV.

Then we were to deprive the poor dog of food and water for 24 hours and then do a test of her urine to see if she has Diabetes Inspitus (good prognosis) or Cushing's Disease (bad prognosis). We made it 19 hours and Maya gave her a bagel. Perfect.

Then today our nephew, Braeden, was re-admitted to the hospital.

Okay, is that enough??

Apparently not.

Today I made a fairly routine call to the company that manages our Medical Flexible Spending Account (this is money that comes out of Sandi's paycheck pre-tax and can be used for un-covered medical expenses.) We take out the maximum allotment for the year ($5,000) because, well I like to spend a lot on my body. For instance, a month's worth of prescription co-pays for me is somewhere around $100-$150. Then there are all my deductibles and medical equipment co-pays (I get a new insulin pump every few years and I my co-pay is between $500-$1,000 and now I have a glucose sensor I wear under my skin and that must be replaced, the whole system, every year.)Out of our entire family, I am the big spender when it comes to medical insurance, both what is covered and especially what is uncovered.

Today, I was informed by the (not so kind) supervisor on the other end of the phone that I am no longer allowed to use this account. Because Sandi and I are not married. As in, by IRS guidelines, I cannot have access to her pre-taxed money.

I told the woman that I had been using them for 9 years! She said that people fly under the radar all the time and they don't spend their time going looking for them, but if they find them then they bust them, essentially.

"I will be de-activating your debit card immediately," she said in her matter-of-fact voice.

To say I feel hung out to dry would be like saying the sky is kind of big. I don't know if I have ever felt the cold sting of discrimination quite so much. This has been even worse than losing the election for same-sex marriage in November, although, similarly, I was just stripped of a right I already had. Or thought I did.

The thing is, if we were able to get married in Maine, it still wouldn't matter. It would have to be a federally recognized marriage for the IRS to recognize.

I truly want to beat my head against the wall. I wish I could explain the depth of this cut. I mean, sure, part of this is about the money and the stress of affording my out-of-sight ongoing medical expenses, but truly the sting is feeling like someone from outside, someone sitting at some desk on the other end of the phone, just stripped away a part of of my family, our unity, and my partnership.

The other kicker? Once you commit to an amount for the year ($5,000) it comes out of every pay check and it's a use or lose it sort of system. In other words, since I won't use it, we will lose it. Sandi is going to appeal for the right to alter the amount now given this information. The good part is that, essentially, this money will still be her money, it will be returned to her paycheck and we just won't be able to use it before taxes. But there is something so convenient about having the debit card and having access to the whole allotment for the year and not having to worry about medical bills.

The good? No one can take away the feeling of comfort I have in my partner's arms when she returns from work and the tears fall as I tell her one more way our society has failed us today.