Yesterday was a road trip to watch Sandi's hometown win basketball gold- in the form on the coveted gold ball a team gets for winning the state championship. The day started with a big bowl of oatmeal and spin class. By 10:30 I was starving from my toes and ate the leftover tempeh and grilled veggies with pesto. Eight of us packed into the Carver's Yukon and drove the hour to Augusta to watch the game.
We stopped at Panera Bread for lunch and truthfully I was a bit scared to eat out on the CFC. Having eaten 90 minutes ago, I decided to just eat the food I had packed. During the afternoon I made my way through my dried fruit, nuts, pear, apple, banana and water.
I started to sweat it a little when the decision was made to go out to eat for supper. I chose fish, salad and baked potato, deciding with just hours to go I would allow myself some salad dressing, croutons and sour cream. There was a surprising amount of internal back and forth about ending the cleanse on the supper of the seventh night. Could I really do that? Would I allow myself to do that?
Awareness came over me. My goals on the cfc were to reset, to feel clean and to cultivate mindfulness. If mindfulness is achieved then I also have the responsibility to listen to what happens in the quiet spaces. the truth was I was done. I had fulfilled the cleanse and my goals and there was no need to do an extra day. In actuality the want for the 8th day was just to delay the bumpy reentry to regular food. And if I felt uncertain about my ability to be moderate with everyday food when the cleanse ended then what had I really gotten from the cleanse?
You get it? It's a little messed up but it turns out I like food rules more than I'm comfortable admitting. And that, while guidelines are infinitely helpful to me, rigid rules have a tendency to backfire. I expect such strict adherence from myself that eventually I feel caged in and I revolt.
I decided to take two steps away from the rules. I came home and made a cup of tea and had one of Sandi's grandmother's homemade molasses cookies. I didn't eat it standing up or breaking off piece by piece, hoping the pieces didn't add up to a whole. I sat down and ate it off a plate and enjoyed every bite.
I gave myself the kindness I would to a friend. You did a great job. You did enough. It doesn't have to perfect.
This for me is progress. This is moderation. This is me existing somewhere between ALL or NOTHING.
I'm finding there to be a fine line between self-disciplined and downright inflexible. Last night's cookie wasn't me cheating. I don't even know how to cheat. I am the girl who has never hits snooze, who has to run the exact miles listed on her training plan, who doesn't know how to cut a corner and is normally way too attached to an idea to do a seven day cleanse for six and 3/4 days.
So I'm proud of myself for eating a cookie? Is that what I'm saying? I guess it is.
On the cookie thread, I want to brag for a moment and flex my CFC muscles. This past week we had a snow day and I always bake with the kids on snowdays.
People, I made chocolate chip cookies and I didn't eat a single morsel.
Maya, my ever present culinary assistant:
I adapted this recipe from one Ange found on the Chobani yogurt website.
Chocolate Chip Cookies (made with greek yogurt)
Makes about 2 dozen large cookies
• 1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened
• 6 oz. greek yogurt
• 1 cup light brown sugar
• 1/2 cup granulated sugar
• 2 large eggs
• 1 tsp. baking soda
• 1 tsp. sea salt
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 1 c. white whole wheat flour
1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
• ½ cup oats, ground
• 1 1/2 cups chocolate chips
In a large mixing bowl, beat butter, yogurt, and sugars with electric mixer until creamy. Add eggs, one at a time, and continue to beat until smooth. Add baking soda and sea salt; mix until combined. Gradually add flours, alternating between the two, and beat until mixed well. Fold in chocolate; mix well.
Cook at 375 for 13-15 min.
I am happy to report that my first morning off the CFC has gone very well. I have enjoyed two glorious cups of Tazo tea and I don't feel the need to make up for lost food. I feel content and centered and I am certain this has to do with listening to my needs and responding in kind, rather than with rigid parameters of self-control. Somehow, I feel like I just got the true spirit of the clean food cleanse. It is more about how I eat rather than what I eat.
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