-I think strenuous exercise makes me a good mom, sometimes even a great mom. Without it, I am mediocre.
-I miss a clean house so much that I am starting a little side thing cleaning for other people. Why not? Make a little extra money and enjoy their clean house.
-I look at other moms, stranger moms, at the park and the mall and Target, and try to pick the one that most resembles me- in appearance, frazzeledness, parenting style, job fulfillment. I think it depends what kind of day I'm having with who I most identify. On a good day, I am the confident, self-assured, uber patient mom who has the organic snack packs and obedient smiling children- you know the mom whose hair looks awesome and she rocks her jeans? On a bad day, I am the mom who is trying to yell without yelling so she ends up hissing, has glazed, sagging eyes, has not yet showered and whose kids are eating twizzlers which is a step up from the Benedryl crackers she thought about giving them.
-It just occurred to me today, for the first time: I'm not getting paid for this.
-This thought was followed by the even worse: I think we're actually going in the hole.
-Sometimes, by the time I get my kids into bed after a day alone, I am physically shaking.
-I sometimes worry that, even with two super fit moms, Ella will grow up to be a dress-wearing, sweat-fearing, couch potato who sits around and talks about "pretty" things.
- This one is hard...but I understand now how it is that a parent can get so angry that they hit their child.
-It is more common for us to use scissors instead of a comb for severely tangled hair.
-I worry that Ella will be permanently scarred by the amount that we ask of her ultra-easy going person to accommodate the crazy that is Maya.
-I get a serious rush when I get a bargain. I have to refrain from telling too many people, and only then the ones who will really appreciate it.
-I am horrified to admit that some days my favorite time with Maya is when she is asleep.
-I watch Ella run away from me sometimes, up over a hill or across a lawn of green grass and feel like I am watching my life as a movie where my little girl runs out of sight and a grown-up woman returns. I fear my life will go by as quickly as it takes her to circle back to find her way to me.
-I am afraid of days that have no plans.
-I LOVE Storyland. Like really love it.
-I keep chocolate chips in the pantry in case of an emergency. I keep wine for the same reason.
-I have friends that I could call for any form of help at any time of day or night and I find that comforting beyond measure.
-I vacillate between being ecstatic about Ella going to preschool three days a week and wanting to lock her up in the house and home school her until she is 25.
- I really, really want to publish a book. I have one that has some 250 pages to it and it needs so much work I need to just start over. I hear that the only way to write a book it to have a writing "habit" and do it everyday. I wonder when this will start and why I keep waiting for it to happen on its own. I also wonder if you can form a writing habit like you can a coffee habit or a cocktail habit.
-I want to write a song.
-I want to run a marathon.
-Knowing how hard kids are on a healthy partnership, I seriously wonder how people that are shaky to begin with make it. I am equally confounded by the thought that having kids will fix a marriage.
- Sometimes when Sandi drives down the road to work, leaving early for a first-thing procedure in the ICU, I am overcome with jealousy.
-I worry that my brain with actually atrophy.
-When I am out by myself, driving down the road with the music blaring, I feel like a 16-year-0ld out from under the watchful eyes of her parents.
- I can, in the same exact moment of time, wish to be anywhere but where I am because I want to pull my hair out and run crazy down the street while simultaneously missing the moment that will soon be in my past, knowing I will someday long for it.
What are yours?
1 comment:
you are so brave, my friend, to put some of these to paper! i have some thoughts that are along the same lines that only m has heard me speak... and while it takes great courage to air some of these thoughts, she says she thinks it shows great strength and that not many would dare to utter their deep and darks... would have to think about how brave i could be here... you GO girl!
i must comment on just one of your thoughts... you said that you realized that you don't get paid for this and i have to argue my friend. the pay-check if you will, comes in the form of pride when you see your child succeed at something you worked very hard to help her accomplish, or when someone compliments you on what a wonderfully behaved child you have, or when one of them makes the honor roll or the deans list... for me, even though i'm not the accomplishment, i find some satisfaction in knowing that while my part in it might be small, i was there behind them - as you will be. those rewards are priceless! search yourself, i know you'll find things that are there already that are far more gratifying than any paycheck could be! some days we have to dig deep, deep down within ourselves and ask what have we gotten ourselves in to, but the right look your way, or the thank you or i love you comment can so quickly erase any doubt we have as to what makes us think we have any business being a parent! wow... i think i just convinced me and and am now crawling down off my soap box!
just know that what you feel is nothing any different than what any of the rest of us have felt at one time or another - you are sooo not alone!
p.s. WRITE THAT BOOK!!! it's so you!
love ya, j = D
Post a Comment