monkey business

Maya- more monkey than child.

I have no idea how she and Mindy ended up matching but it was too cute not to capture.

a kindergarten party

We thought it would be fun to celebrate our kindergartner's who'd had a bit of a tough transition to school, but in the end pulled through like true champs.

So, we had a party. Just the Smith's and the Carver's but that is all that is needed for a party, I've found.

We had party hats, ballons, noise makers, dinner, blueberry pie and ice cream sundaes.

We are so very proud of our big kids, perhaps more than anything proud (and a bit teary) that in the end, they are still themselves. Happy to be together, laughing, screeching and carrying on.

There are some things kindergarten can't touch.

And, as always, as soon as the Smith's pull out of the driveway, Ella asks, "When are we going to see them again?"

Labor (of love) Day

I tried to explain to Ella over breakfast yesterday what Labor Day meant (other than just "you don't have school") but it all got kind of confusing, as things do, when we had to explain that Sandi had to work on Labor Day.

It's not as difficult, but it is close up there with "Mommy has to work on Christmas" (which she does this year, and Christmas Eve AND Thanksgiving, thank you very much) or "Yes, we know you are sick but Mommy has to go take care of OTHER sick people today.)

So, the girls and I motored on down to Camden to hang out with my family for the day.

First stop- the best playground ever: Cedarworks front lawn.


Cedarworks (http://www.cedarworks.com/) builds these GORGEOUS playsets out of 100% cedar and they let kids come and "try them out." It is a popular stop.


Our playset in the backyard is loosely fashioned after these amazing, but pricey (average is about $10,000) structures that seem almost to have been plucked right out of a child's imagination.

There was a lot of fun to be had.

This is a funky, almost accidental picture of Maya that I just love.

There was this pretty awesome slide that had a deep dip and made the girls squeal.

And there was a plain 'ol tunnel which captivated the little ones. Ten thousand or $100? It matters not to little kids.

Then on to Lucia Beach (Birch Point State Park in Owl's Head) for a picnic.

And some playing in the mud.

Whenever we take our kids to the beach, they always have fun but at times seem confounded by what to DO to play and will often ask for help. I will admit it- sometimes I want to just sit and want them to know how to entertain themselves.

Well, all I needed to do all along was taken my niece Micheala.

She had the four of them set up like industrious little beavers, hunting for heart shaped rocks, shoveling mud to and fro and piling seaweed wherever she indicated. I started calling her "The Captain." She is the oldest and they all idolize her. If you can convince her, you can convince the lot of them.

It was heaven.

I sat on the beach thinking, these are the days. These are the lucky, blessed days. We are all here. We are all healthy. We are still (relatively) young. Our kids are healthy and happy and the world is before their feet.

My family may be small. But it is mighty.

buh-bye Target

Target has REALLY *&%^$ me off.



I switched to Target when they came to town a few years ago. I found the shopping experience so much more pleasant than the flourescent experience of Walmart. Plus, there was the added bonus of seeing all the other moms with small kids there.



Once, I accidently took an item out of the store without paying for it when Ella was a baby and I shopped with my stroller. I quickly went right back in to pay for it (not a small feat when you have an infant and you've already been in once) THAT is how much I loved Target.



Loved. Past tense.

Target has apparently donated $150,000 to an anti-gay politician by the name of Tom Emmer. He is staunchly against gay marriage and allegedly sponsors a "Christian" (that's better with the air quotes, isn't it Beth?) rock group that professes it's ok to kill gay and lebian people.

If you want to read about it:

http://gayrights.change.org/blog/view/targets_150000_donation_to_fund_anti-gay_politics

I have decided to boycott, which pains me to say, partly because that means back to Walmart. But also, in the day of mammoth oil spills and a ridiculously long war, do we still need to be talking about civil rights??

they can't be serious...

I saw on the news this morning (note: the only time I watch the news is when I run at the gym and am forced by circumstance to glance up at the bank of TVs every now and again) something so infuriating it made me once again want to pack up our family and go north to bunk with our Canadian friends. (You know, where we could actually get MARRIED?)

Apparently there is Christian group, I honestly can't remember where, that is planning to have a ceremonial burning of the Koran on the anniversary of September 11th.

I mean, honestly, people! How does this help anyone? How does this help other countries to hate us LESS?

still got zucchini?

Suzanne’s Zucchini Bread

I call it this because I actually did make this one up. Essentially the goal of the recipe is to cram as much zucchini as possible into bread. It makes a very moist bread but one that should be kept in the fridge after the first day and if you don't plan to give one loaf away or eat a whole bunch in the near future, you'd do best to freeze a loaf. It won't keep, even refrigerated, for more than 3-4 days.

Preheat oven to 350. Grease 2 9 x 5 loaf pans.

Combine:
1 ½ c. whole wheat flour
1 ½ c. unbleached, all-purpose flour
1 tsp. baking powder
1 ½ tsp. baking soda
2 tsp. cinnamon
½ tsp. allspice
½ tsp. cloves

Combine:
½ c. cane sugar
½ c. packed dark brown sugar
2 TBSP vegetable oil
½ c. applesauce
2 eggs
4 (to 5) cups shredded zucchini

Combine wet ingredients with dry ingredients. Add optional raisins or dark (you can also use semi-sweet) chocolate chips. The chocolate increases this bread's likability to children significantly. Divide into loaf pans. Bake for 50-60 minutes, possibly more if extra zucchini is used or if it is very moist zucchini. Sometimes I also throw in some toasted wheat germ or ground flax if I use a lot of zucchini. This recipe also makes a huge batch of mini-muffins.

Week one: a weary, exhausted and proud CHECK!

I woke up the morning of the second day of school and I was having this dream:

Sandi and the girls and I were holding hands, four across, skipping in our flip flops and shorts through the parking lot of Storyland, heading toward the entrance. I could see the brightly colored buildings. I could hear the tinkling of the piped in music. I was wearing a big smile on my face.

And then someone tapped me on the shoulder. When I spun around I was told: "You can't go in there. She has to go to school now."

Subtle, huh?

So here is the end of the week report:

First, we survived. Mercifully, Sandi was on call yesterday and could help with the logistics of adding Skyler to the morning mix (which was super fun), getting Maya to school again (she cried, poor girl), and dealing with my emotional angst. We also managed to clean the office and, on yet another 100 degree day, priced out a new pellet stove.

Second, Ella came home from school the first day and I told her Brady had left her a voicemail and wanted her to call him back. "The first day of school and already calls from boys," I said to Sandi. Ella's response: "I LOVE Kindergarten." (That was before two more excruciating crying episodes.)

Thirdly, I really and truly am having a ball with Maya. I find her much easier to manage when Ella isn't there and, now I notice, her behavior is also better. We are having fun and moving at whatever pace suits her. I am more relaxed and have much more fun with her when I don't feel I'm being split apart by my children. Plus, how can it not be fun when Maya spontaneously bursts into song with "The wheels on the bus go beep! beep! beep!:" that she learned at school.

Fourth, Ella's perspective 4 days in:
I asked her what the coolest part of Kindergarten was and she said, "Not wanting to go and being brave and going anyway." (I could not be more proud of this girl.)

Fifth, Ella is making new friends! (I love "friends" at this age. Ella was climbing a tree at the folk festival and saw a little girl wearing an outfit Ella coveted. They made some eye contact and Ella came to me to tell me she was now her "friend.") She told me, "Evelyn was sad today and was crying so I let her put her head on my shoulder until she felt better." (Okay, I guess I can be prouder.)

I asked her "Do you like it now?" and she said, "Yes!"
"Are you excited that you get to back and that you are in school now?" and she said, "YES!"

So there you go. What did that take from despair to triumph? Four days? Man, I've got to learn to be more patient.

We were snuggling in bed tonight and she reached up and buried her head in my neck. "I want to tuck in under your chin. It is my favorite place." What could possibly worth more than that?

She did tell me that she misses me and doesn't want me to leave when it is time to say goodnight. I told her I would be with her all day tomorrow and that whenever she needed snuggle time to just tell me and I would stop whatever I was doing and snuggle her. She looked at me doubtfully. Drop everything? I pinky swore. I mean, come on, I will take her wanting while it's still here because I get it that at some point I will begging her to spend time with me.

Maybe Kindergarten hasn't taken anything away. Maybe it will actually enrich our lives.
I think Ella is beginning to understand life a little bit better and might appreciate her time at home and her time to play more than she has previously. Do I dare hope out with entitlement and in with perspective?

And lastly, a few thank yous...

Thank you to Chris, whom I'm not sure I know but greatly appreciate the comment about how your family was in turmoil for the first week of starting school. Thank you to every other mother out there who has told me that my experience was normal. Thank you to Ange for being in the same boat- although, likely slightly more stable than yours truly- and for telling me how lucky we are to be so close to our kids. Thank you Emilie for telling me my kitchen could remain dirty for the duration it took me to get into the swing of things and for holding my hand through this. Thank you to Bree, at the gym daycare whose last child just entered Kindergarten, for telling me that, now that both of her kids are in school, she has disturbing questions about her worth now that they need her so much less. And, lastly, thank you to my mom for being Ella's cheerleader as she expresses her feelings and for checking in on our progess with such love and support.

And thank you, makers of the holiday calendar, for placing Labor Day right where it needs to be to soften the blow of back to school.

Kindergarten: breakdown, heartbreak and a few smiles

The good news is that the first day is over.

The bad news is that the crying hasn't exactly let up. The quick rip of the band aid has left a sting that has yet to abate.

Oh, what a day to let the sun set on. A hot, sticky, 100 degree day when both our babies went to school.

Did I mention that we had decided to have Maya's first day of preschool on the same day? A sort of get-all-the-anguish-done-at-once approach.

I stayed up late and woke early to get everything in order, lunch packed, Maya's 3 changes of undies and clothes packed, kitchen clean and set for a family breakfast. We ate, we brushed teeth, styled hair, snapped photos and everyone was happy and ready to go!

Mostly happy.


Spirits high, smiles big, moms with fingers crossed hoping for easy transitions.

First stop: Maya.

Who looks impossibly small on the steps of Hilltop Preschool.

Just in case we needed an added element of stress, Maya has to be potty trained to attend school. This has been a 70% success rate at best. Then there is her constant whining and misbehaving. We weren't at all sure how it would go.

We were pleasantly surprised when she hit the playground running. We hugged her and the three of us moved to leave and she frowned and started, "I want to-" and I was sure she was going to say "go with you" but instead she said, "I want to go back inside."

One down. Phew.

And then on to big kid school.

We had a plan. It could have worked.

Ella was doing great- a combination of excited and nervous but settled down to do some projects. It was a perfect exit time for us, about a 10 minute stay. However, we had promised her we would stay until her friend Haley got off the bus. Big mistake. The bus was 20 minutes late which meant we stayed long enough for it to all fall apart. The crying and clinging began, the deep belly sobs and unintelligible words. In the end, we left before Haley got there, having waited for nothing, because it was time for a clean break. The teacher had to kind of hold Ella back from lunging for us as we parted.

I would rather have had someone break my arm in 3 places.

I have so many things to say but I will try to distill it down: sending your child to Kindergarten is unnatural for a parent. It goes against your instincts to push them, unwillingly, from the nest. I will say this is especially true for a stay-at-home-mom whose main job/purpose is caring for her children. I try to remind myself that I'm more than a mom (running a marathon, writing, carving out space where I am still just Suzanne) but the majority of my waking hours are spent as "mom." What does that make me when one of my charges is gone for the bulk of the day in someone else's care?

Also, Ella has been an more dependent child and so we have spent the last 5+ years in nearly constant company. Is it oversimplifying it to say that I worry no one else will take as good care of her as my own mediocre parenting?

Sandi and I, free of kids for three hours until Maya was to be picked up at noon, had planned a little date. The gym and then Starbucks. And between all the crying and sniffling, we managed to pull it off. Romantic? Not so much. But we took the time just the same.

My poor, bloodshot, puffy eyes. It was a day for a venti for sure.

The ridiculously ironic part of the whole thing is that the majority of time I want more time for myself. I want to drive alone, grocery shop alone, shower alone, check my email or make dinner alone. And here we were with all this time and I felt someone had stolen my babies from me. Ripped them right out of my arms. It made me want to reverse time, slow it all down, and have my kids (non-fighting of course) back where they were the day before. Innocent, fun-loving, unencumbered, and all mine.

When we went back to pick up Maya, her teacher Miss Lynn, told us some astounding things. Maya had no accidents. "She was a delight," Miss Lynn said. We wondered if she'd been drinking. I mean, we haven't gotten our hearts set on this preschool thing because we feared she might not be able to stay. First child to get kicked out of preschool.

(I will say that Miss Lynn is going to be my new best-friend in parenting. Maya didn't want to go potty when we left school. "Miss Lynn says you need to," I told her and she obeyed immediately.)

Then, finally, 3 o'clock came and we went to get Ella. Maya was anxious to see her big sister.

She had a great day. She was proud, happy, sweaty and relieved.

Off we went to celebrate with hot fudge sundaes.

Which was really nice until Maya threw her ice cream and fudge covered spoon at me and had to be taken from the diner kicking, screaming and crying. (I told Sandi to please remind me, when I lament Maya's growing up, of the times that we couldn't take her out in public.)

I want to tell you that the story ends there, happily, with one hard first day and only smiles and ice cream to follow.

But, alas, climbing in to bed last night, the tears began in earnest, the heaving, hiccuping sobs that wrenched my heart. Ella said all the things I feared she thought. "Why did you just leave me there?" "Why is it so long?" "Why do I have to go back everyday?" "Is the weekend the day after tomorrow?" "I was crying for you and you left me." We lay there together, arms wrapped around each other, both of us crying, me wiping her tears and burying my face in her yummy, child-smelling hair, until the sobs lessened and the heartache seemed manageable.

And then today Sandi is back at work and its time to go back like this is normal and okay and acceptable when everything in me feels I am working against my maternal instinct to send her back.

This morning, before we left, she cried for a long time again in my arms: "I've had enough Momma. I have. It's too much." "One day was enough but two days is too much!" "Pleeeeeease don't make me go back." "I am sick. My stomach hurts." "I love you and home is comfort place and you are my comfort. Please, Momma, please don't make me go."

Good thing I know she needs to go, otherwise I would sit in the house with her and wait for the truancy officer to come knocking on my door.

And the truth is, like it or not, Ella needs to grow and be independent. She IS a kindergartner. Just look at her!

And I am at home with just Maya, trying to mend a broken heart. Sigh.