burnout

Disclaimer:  Please be pre- forewarned ahead of time (as my friend Charissa says).  This is a depressing, whiny sort of post.

I simply don't know what to do with myself.  I feel like I used to when I had an infant to take care of and she cried and cried and cried (seemingly) for hours on end and I pictured what it would be like to run out of the house and down the street and not look back.

Now of course I do that but with another adult left at home.  And I always return.

Lately I feel busier and more overwhelmed with the kids than I have in a long time and there are times when they are BOTH in school.  When they are together they fight and whine and I find myself craving my freedom, my time alone, my time to listen to my own music in the car (instead of the soundtrack of "Annie" on repeat), a want for a quiet adult dinner, the ability to move according to my own agenda. 

It feels like Sandi is working a ton (she is) and that I don't know where to fit in my own work and that when I do I pay for it with cranky kids.  Today we left school pick-up to head to the farm to get our Tuesday farm share and Ella accused me: "You didn't tell me we were going there." I ignored her but she persisted.  How to respond without being snarky back?  I simply said, "Yes I heard you." But wanted to scream, "I don't have to tell you everything!"

Signs of burnout:

- Sandi and I exchange text messages whose main theme is "can we steal away some time alone together?"
-The thought of packing lunch for Ella resorts me nearly to tears.
-Having time to run and workout isn't enough to balance me.
-Taking almost the whole day without kids to have such fun at the marathon relay was a fleeting break from the kids.
-When people talk to me about the possibility of their not ever having children, I find myself encouraging them.  I want to warn people about the bump growing where their belly used to be.  (Not you Ange, you know what's coming...)
-Having had an awesome hike with my friend Christine this morning, feeling greedy for more, rather than appreciative of the time I had.
-When I hear one complaint about the carrots served for supper I simply say, "Fine, don't eat them but you won't get anything else to eat today."
-I feel about parenting, in a word, cheerless.

I'm not sure why this happens sometimes that I am unable to summon the sacrifice needed for parenting and I just long for my own life but it has hit and I guess I just need to weather the storm. 

Time for some yoga.